For many years of my life, September was a difficult month. Since 1989 I’ve felt the loss... the loss of my brother Ronny. Presently, it’s not as hellish, although I still feel his absence in my life. I think of all the things we could do together... the times we “could be” sharing now. But, that is not how life played out.

Loss is a tough one, at least it has been for me. I came from a “friends forever” background... a “family matters” past. With that upbringing it is not surprising that loss is a huge thing to me. People matter to me deeply... even those I don’t see or communicate with on a regular basis. It seems odd to say that, but it’s true. Everyone has their own lives, their own style of living... it’s difficult to keep up.

But when the BIG ONE comes... death... that is when I really get lost. Loss brings a feeling of being lost. It’s like someone tipped the world and I don’t know my place. I struggle to see what the loss of someone I love means to me. I think about not being able to talk to them or sit with them again.

With my brother Ronny* my dreams bring us together. They are not always pleasant dreams, yet I hang on to them.. to see him again. I love having a beer with him in my dreams... it seems so real. Instead of being disappointed in not being able to see him or talk to him on the phone, I am grateful that he joins me in my dreams. It counts in my book.

The loss of my Aunt Jean this year has struck a chord. She was a person who was always home and I could count on that. Now, when I think of dropping her a line I have to remind myself that she isn’t home anymore... not in the tradition sense anyway. It makes me feel a little lost.

So, what is loss? To me, I feel a little lost without the energy of someone I love. It’s like I have built this tribe and a member is missing. Sometimes, it takes years for me to reconcile the fact that they have left. It gets better when I open my memory bank and make a withdrawal. The memories keep me afloat. If you are reading this, know that you are one of my tribal members and YOU MATTER TO ME. Be well... Nancy T.

* To read more about loss and hope go to www.naturalmassagetherapy.com and order “One of Eight–my perspective on our brother’s  
suicide.”